February 21, 2004
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Praising With Great Praise
My youngest is easy to encourage. "That's a beautiful picture!" I enthuse. "All that red and purple is so colorful!" She just beams. My eldest is getting a bit more sophisticated. "What a fantastic drawing!" I gush. She puts her head to the side and sneers. "It is not good," she objects. "The people are all crooked." I hesitate, wondering whether to take the "Picasso, not da Vinci" approach, the "Well I think it's wonderful" approach, the "better than 95% of all 6-year-olds" approach, or perhaps even the "But every try brings you closer to perfection" approach. The point, of course, is to encourage. To make her feel a sense of accomplishment. To praise.
In my own working world people appreciate what I do, and I know that. But because by temperament and training I'm the person who does the background work (the schedule coordination, letter-ghosting, resume review, PR prep, strategic planning sort of stuff) I don't get the big accolades and the public prizes. Nor do I get the flowers on secretary's day. I'm somewhere in the supportive in-between. And it's an unpraised middle-ground, that backbone-of-the-organization place.
At my last review, my boss remarked on his perception that I was "just a lot happier than I used to be." I was initially confused by this. I realized the truth of it, but couldn't put my finger on when "mildly disatisfied" turned into "happier." Then I sorted out some start dates.
Writing on Xanga, and on a few other more "serious lit" sites, has not only given me an outlet for my most heartfelt passion, it's also brought me something much simpler: praise. Stupid though it sounds, every eprop is a little bright light in a dull room. Every critique on my lit site is a congratulatory pat on the back: "I care enough about your writing to read it carefully."
My newest revelation, and resolution, then, is to seek ways to help others get this little extra lilt to the step. If I just find a way to praise one person every day, the world will be a better place.
Not so hard, eh?
What makes you feel properly praised?
And do you get enough of it?
Comments (26)
Wonderful thoughts...I too try to encourage and praise and use my writing as an outlet for becoming a more complete and happier me. --Margot
I've had similar thoughts in my head for a long time. sometimes they are a source of discussion between me and my friends. Sadly, we live in a culture and era where people still for the most part believe that the only way to help people be better at something is to knock them for those parts of what they're doing that are less than perfect. Sure constructive criticism is a good thing but I can't tell you how SELDOM in my experience, I notice that people use positive reinforcement or praise to encourage.
I use it often myself with the people I care for as well as people I have to privelege of knowing or assisting in some capacity. At work when I am teaching someone a new function that I am very good at and that I think is worth sharing with them, they often say I'll never remember that or you make it look so easy or I'll never be good at that. I tell them what I know to be true and what I think they need to hear: you may not remember this right away. Keep trying. I'm always here to ask.
Or I might suggest they jot down a few notes and that way it will be easier next time. I tell them that they are competent people and that they CAN learn a new skill or aspect of a program. I mention something that makes me believe that like something they did recently that I was aware of that showed how adept they are at their job or as an individual.
In general, I think that because people are so seldom praised, my praise to them may often be perceived as phoney (that perception of their is not my problem).
I have long had the complaint that I rarely get praise at my job. Sometimes the office manager does, sometimes a partner (I work at a law firm) does but that happens very seldom. Sometimes all it takes for me to feel good is for someone to look me in the eye, smile and say thank you.
Boy, you found a great subject. As a child, I had a father whose litany was "This is good, but you could do better" for pretty much everything. I'm sure he meant well, but I always wonder who I would be today if he'd said "This is great!" much more often without qualifying it.
And today I too have one of those jobs where I'm the stalwart reliable long-time employee in the background. I know I am an important member of our rather large team but it never gets mentioned. About 7 years ago, I singlehandedly developed our department's web pages and have maintained them ever since, bringing us into the modern world in that area. The Department chairman at that time never once even mentioned their existence and has not to this day. (Of course, he is one of those old school people who had to be dragged kicking and screaming into the idea that he too should have a computer.)
I'm part of a women's group that recent wrote letters we wish our mothers would have written to us). Mine has been gone for 10 years or more, but here's what I wrote:
"Dear Andy,
You were always the best child I could ever have wanted to have. You were just a joy to watch grow and blossom. I felt so proud to see how you handled all the hurdles that came to you. I hope that you will find as much satisfaction and joy from watching your own beautiful children grow. I will always be there for you and you can tell me anything and count on me. Take good care of you. I love you.
Mom"
(Praise is good.)
And P.S. You are a fantastic writer!
There is a balance here. Praise must be honest, and not phony. A false, syncophantic comment is almost worse than an insult.
I try not to insult anyone's work, but be honest at the same time.
praise is the look of pleasure you see in someone else's eyes for something you have done.
it is people remembering something you have done for them years and years ago, when you yourself have forgotten it.
it is people taking time to say "thank you" in kind.
i think i get enough of it. but more important: i think can give more praise to others than i currently do.
Acknowledgement...sincere...not flattery...is so needed. Hell...just a heartfelt "thank you so much" is so nice to hear."
I know that it's one of my pet peeves at work b/c it seems no matter what I do, there has been little to no "attagirls" for my efforts. Our new supervisor, however, is VERY tuned in to it (perhaps b/c she's a young mom?) and takes the time to thank us via e-mail for efforts well done.
My mom withheld praise for some reason...and my dad was just quiet no matter what, so we didn't hear much of it. The few times it was doled out are etched into my memory though.
I had to work at it with Sarah. I'd catch myself doing the negative/positive with her. It's a balance sometimes. Once their work is being graded, they do need to know to watch for things that could be better and, if they receive only praise as a child, no matter how half-way the effort, they'll not be able to understand critiquing done by teachers. If she criticized her own work, I'd ask her why she felt like that and then we'd discuss her response in a matter-of-fact way.
And, yah, props and comments for something I've worked on here in xanga do tend to make me proud of myself. (Not the goofy things I do, but the posts that have taken time.)
o_0 I'm rambling again...dammitall. What is it about you and your blog site that do this to me?
What timing, my dear.
On Wednesday night, one of my students handed me a shopping bag from one of the ritzier department stores here. She told me it was a gift for my husband...a special leather travel wallet that both she and her husband own and have been really happy with. Such a sweet gesture, and perfect since (as you know) travelling is exactly what he is doing as of yesterday.
I thanked her and then asked what the occasion was...Valentine's Day had come and gone, and his birthday is the winter solstice...and she replied that she is just so happy to have me teaching her family (I teach her daughter and sister on different days of the week) that she decided she wanted to thank the Professor for "bringing" me to her country.
Yes, I almost burst into tears on the spot but managed to somehow maintain composure. Then, as I told him the story later that evening, I couldn't hold back the waterworks. I don't think I have felt quite so praised in a long time.
I agree with SteveJ. I hate having people tell me something's good if they don't believe it. There's nothing worse in my mind. If it sucks, tell me. If it's good, tell me, but don't tell me it's good if it's not. I try never to give undeserved compliments, while being free with those I feel are deserved.
I'm careful about how and how much I praise my kids, actually. I don't gush over every little thing because I don't want to raise praise-junkies, you know? Plus, my kids are plenty old enough to know if I'm BSing them, and I don't fancy looking like a liar in their eyes.
Maybe that sounds horribly hardass, I don't know. I mean, I tell them "Good job" or "Cool" often enough, but it's low-key. I save the superlatives for when I sincerely think they've gone above and beyond the call of duty, so to speak. Also, I never try to argue them out of frustration they might feel at having done something not-well-enough (in their own eyes). I may respectfully disagree with them but I don't try to dictate their feelings, e.g., "Well, that's too bad you don't like your drawing. That can be frustrating, can't it? But can I just tell you what I like about it?"
As for praise for myself, well, I like to think I've got a well-developed bullshit sensor, and nothing chaps my hide more than people blowing smoke up my rear end. I don't like being gushed over, because gushing never seems sincere. As a SAHM, most of the praise I come in for is generated by my kids, and those spontaneous hugs and kisses and "I love it when you read to me"s are the best thing going, really.
I wish I could give you 100 e-props. This is my favorite site to read. Me, it's hard to accept praise. Must be my self esteem issues. When my boys let me know they love me it makes me feel proud.
Praise is the best encourager. In action or in word. I hope I have more opportunity to encourage you here. My goal in commenting is to encourage with words.
The thing that amazes me is how - when I say nothing but uplifting things on others' sites, they feel they can come to my 'place' and beat the crap out of me. Am I encouraged? Mostly, hell, no.
They belittle me, argue my points with unsupported garble... heck, just yesterday a creative writ article in a woman's on-line magazine was written tearing apart my character (names withheld to protect the incriminated, of course) by a 'sister' Christian. I'm so used to it - I got the same from my mom: You're ugly, stupid, mean, selfish, bitchy, divisive... just get out of my sight. Don't get me wrong - she praised any creative endeavor, but tore down character at the same time. You either grow from it or it kills you. I choose to be strengthened by it.
But then - once in a blue moon - someone will send an e-mail and quietly praise me for being strong, or for saying something that touched them. Once in a blue moon there's a guestbook message or a small comment that just boosts me a little. Not that I *need* those to write, but they certainly brighten my day. I love those moments, those boosts. They are so unusual that they shock me into smiling.
It's like chocolate - if you had it everyday, it wouldn't be special. But when someone surprises you with a rich morsel... Mmmmm. It's delicious.
As for Lydia and Isaac - I praise them as much as I can. The world will tear them apart soon enough. I want them to be as confident and creative and willing to try as they can be. And I'll be there to build their character, too. You learn from your own experience.
i worked in this lab once, and our Complete Ass Of A Middle Manager happened to be standing there talking to my supervisor (who actually, like, did work of his own) when i handed him - the supervisor - something i'd finished. he thanked me and told me good job. AssManager said to him, while i was still standing there, even, "don't praise them for doing their jobs, they'll start to get big heads."
when, about a year later, i ended up in Ass's office screaming my fool head off about what a crock of shit my job was and what a frigging pile of b.s. it was to work for him, i think only he was surprised.
i've gotten some really good recommendations from the people in that lab since then, and i never did get the promised big head. go figure.
Great topic. I try to be constructive in my praise of dd- to praise the effort at least as much as the outcome, to encourage her to continue making it. Sometimes I do just gush though!
I don't get praised very often, now that I think about, and what's really interesting is that I don't remember thinking about it before. My boss is pretty gooding at giving praise when it is due, but beyond that I don't get much. I wonder what kind of effect, or lack of effect, that has on me.
Praise is the natural response of a happy heart.
Our little hurt-nursing neuroses don't know well how to accept, then how to give it, and so on and so on.
Not everything is praise-worthy in life ("Thank the Lord for this steaming pile of dog doo I just stepped in, hallelujah!"), but so much of it is...and it's interesting to me that even kids w/ loving parents (like your girls!) start comparing themselves and their work to an exalted *higher* end product and start rejecting compliments at such a tender age.
There's definitely a fine line between never being satisfied w/ your work, thusly being driven to achieve more and better, and actually being negative about your work. Hrm.
I guess this is true for pretty much all stages of life, huh? Childhood through work-a-day adulthood, through...?
Thanks for giving me something to think about tonight.
Genuine praise is a gift to behold like a shooting star. We need more shooting stars.
Great topic here... I may very possibly be one of those people who try so hard to say nice things about someone's efforts, that they think I am less than sincere. I still do it because I genuinely see the efforts people put forth and find good in the end product more than many people I know. I also enjoy it when others do this for me.
There is a love languages issue here. I'll blog it soon, but words of encouragment is one of the love languages. I think it's an important one.
See you soon...
Deb
Sincere praise is the staff of professional life and much harder to come by these days, I enjoy your writing as I have enjoyed your company. I look forward to seeing you again and until then I will dive into your words. And offer my humble praise for your work.
Thank you!
I can't even give a good answer to your question because it takes an insanely small amount of praise to make me happy.
I too work in a very necessary /backbone of the lab position as lab manager (translation - problem solver) for a large academic research lab. My boss has never complimented me on ANY of the massive organization / structural projects I accomplished; all the praise comes from just a few of my co-workers who realize how much easier I make their jobs.
My diagnosis is that my boss is just clueless about what I actually do; I find it highly entertaining to ponder what he's going to say when I give notice in the very near future.
I work very diligently to make sure I've done my job well, and even if I don't get praise, I expect SOME sort of acknowledgement. One can only go above and beyond for so long before you stop putting out those unappreciated extras.
I think you touched a nerve here. My high school sports experience was predominantly as a football offensive lineman. Talk about unsung heroes! So, I have been atune to the inequities of recognition and praise allocation for some time. Its one of those things that when we think and talk about the subject, it is obvious to everyone that it is a failing. However, when one is in a position of responsibility influencing other's well being, such as parent, coach, manager, etc., it becomes apparent how easy it is to fall into the same trap. The problem is that the phenomenon is not a result of malicious intent, but rather innocent unawareness. People just naturally root for the flashy halfback who carries the ball across the goal line. They don't actively not praise the guard who made the block that set up the play, they just didn't notice. One can't rely on the approach, "I'm going to be a good person and always do the right thing" to ensure that one doesn't fowl up this particular responsibility. So, we have to make a conscious effort to seek out those deserving of praise and make sure it happens (i.e. materials managers). What is amazing to me is how obscure the obscure can be. Even when I stop at time to think through who is deserving of praise from time to time, I have been suprised when I find later, that I left a deserving individual out.
Anyway, speaking as probably the only colleague that my have an opportunity to respond to this, I can asure all of your loyal xanga readers and you that you are a key cog in the workings of our small company. You bring intelligence and clarity to many situations and debates that are the heart of a group such as ours. You have an talent for grasping the heart of the matter and clearly commenting on the same. I could go on and on. Like I've said, I learn alot from you, both at work and in this new literary experience. I'll stop now though, 'cause I know, truly, that your intent here was not to fish for praise. It just seemed like a good opportunity.
One old adage may be at play here too, "Its lonely at the top". I think its a linear progression, so that even though you're not at THE top, you're darn close and catch some of the winds of that storm.
Me? I know that I respond to praise and walk around with a silly grin for awhile, but what I find that I really seek is understanding. I ache to have others understand my thoughts and feelings. Not that they are enlightening or of particular great value, but that they are me and its my bane that I can't always convey my true meaning. (heavy)
The first writing assignment I completed in the first writing class I ever took in college had this in red ink at the top of the first page:
"I have only praise. A."
Simple, and incredibly encouraging to a lost 19-year old. I still have that paper.
As always, the entry and the comments it evoked are wonderful. But enough about you.
My mother gushes over everything we do. Always has. She isn't faking it, she is genuinely blind to the truth about us. Of course, she was never praised as a child, therefore, as parents tend to do, tried to reconstruct, correct, give us what she never had. Alas, her praise mean nothing. We take it for granted. It is blank. My father, on the other hand, used to listen to my good news, about a 98 in a final exam, from preschool to high school and say : Oh, only 98 ? Why not 100 ? In retrospect, I realize he was teasing, but as a child, I took his words literally and felt like an underachiever. It was frustrating, if not heartbreaking.
Today I find myself praising people to a point where it sounds unreal, although I am always honest. I can't praise someone if I don't believe it's good. I try to encourage people, always, even through bleak moments and sometimes my jaw drops and I am baffled because I don't understand this need. However praise famished I am, when I am praised, I profoundly doubt it, feel like a fraud, and only carry the good sensation with me for a brief moment, although I try very hard to work on that, now. pfff. yes. So, where were we?
My ego likes the praise, the eprops, but my spirit needs to write for the sake of writing, or create for the sake of creating. I have set my ego aside, especially with my art, or I'm in danger of creating to please and then it's no longer art from my soul.
Writers never get enough praise, do we?
I am also ashamed to admit my neglect of said lit site...
Ah, praise. I don't take praise very well, having been accustomed to negative praise as a child - "Well, we know you have done your best and you can't help it if your brother is really, really brainy..." Understandably, reports from teachers tended to be along "Could do better if she tried." lines.
The other day, my Man read something I had written - just a light bit of doggerel, wishing some relatives a happy retirement, and praised me for it. I had to be really careful not to get angry. Am still trying to sort that one out...
And for you...I give praise. Although I rarely comment on another blog, I always read yours and always enjoy your down-to-earth, well crafted, from the heart, straight-out enjoyable posts. Write on!!
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