December 17, 2005

  • Rites of the Season

    "We all reach the point you've reached sometimes.  Just remember
    that the majority of successful middle-class professionals are all
    secretly incompetent and just waiting to be
    caught out -- this describes me, anyway," wrote a friend in the course of an email sent to amuse
    and uplift me after a particularly Very Bad Hideous Unhappy No-Good day
    at the office (which involved, among other things, that unfortunate
    moment when an unremarkable comment causes you to burst into tears and
    retreat to your desk, sobbing, while your colleagues all sit frozen in
    their seats wondering what the hell to do now).

    The friendly email did significantly amuse and uplift me, and the bit
    about the successful professional began to restore my sense of
    equilibrium.  We are all just waiting for that "Aha! 
    You imposter!  I knew you
    couldn't handle it!" moment, aren't we?  I've never yet met anyone
    who doesn't admit to anticipating it, no matter how skilled
    and confident
    he or she consistently appears from the outside.

    It is always at this season of the year -- and sporadically in other
    seasons, but always in this season -- when I come smack up against my
    Personal Effectiveness Capacity Barrier, burst desperately on through
    it, and find my resultant complete ineffectiveness showering down around me (and my friends, family and colleagues) with the force of sharp, icy hail. 

    The solution, of course, is to do fewer things; but do them better.  The challenge is to
    decide which of the overload of things currently done so poorly most
    merits relegation to the 'fewer' pile.  That's the crux of
    it.  Do I not [fill in your own a, b, c, d, e and f, ad infinitum]?  And if so, who or what do I then risk insulting/alienating/infuriating/losing altogether?

    In the modern American social construct, it's culturally precarious to
    'do fewer.'  Seizing one's courage in both hands and going
    counter-culture to the degree that cards are unsigned, gifts unwrapped,
    special dishes uncooked, or parties unattended does bear significant
    risk.  There's that insidious implication of our incompentence again, hovering over every good deed unattempted.

    Dare we laughingly meet the spectre of our own perceived inadequacy head-on, this season, and actually let some of it go?

    I'm game if you are.

Comments (15)

  • this year we risked being labeled That Family and asked the adult members of both of our extended families if we could agree not exchange gifts anymore - my larger idea being that all the money that would've been spent could be pooled and donated to charity, but wtf, keep it if it serves you better, just don't buy us any more crap just to say you did, and don't make us buy you any more crap for the same non-reason.  JC never commanded us to go forth and purchase purposelessly, so where did that particular xmas tradition come from, anyway.  (we didn't say all that, we just asked if we could forego the exchange of gifts by people over the age of 18...)

    the result is that next year, we'll spend maybe half the time shopping that we otherwise would have, we'll spend maybe half the money, and i will stress a LOT less, seeing as how the bulk of the shopping/wrapping/sending always falls to me anyway (a major reason why i don't feel even the smallest pang of guilt when bill is outside sweating his ass off changing the oil in the car in august, or covered in slime from cleaning the gutters.  payback, equality, call it what you like, it all comes down to i-had-to-shop-for-your-mother, baha.)

    anyway.  i think the key aspect of this is that you just have to hold your nose, close your eyes, and jump, even though you know there's a pretty good chance the water is going to be too shallow and you'll end up with some nice-sized bruises.  because once they have a year to heal, it'll be over.  everyone will know that you're not doing a, b, and c anymore, and even if they chalk it up to you being totally insane - or worse, a christmas-hating liberal, ha-ha - it won't be your problem to deal with anymore, and you can concentrate on the things that matter more (or at all) to you. 

    (also?  i too had the big weepy breakdown at this job, only mine came after i'd only been there for about three months.  things actually got a lot better after that, either because they realized what an unreasonably huge burden i was carrying while still learning the job, or because it's scary when girls cry and it's better not to provoke them into further acts of hysterics, like talking about their periods.  either way, i don't care.)

  • gee, did i babble enough for you?

  • Life's easier doing fewer things, that's for sure. It takes courage to do less. The ones who point fingers are probably secretly admiring.

  • "Dare we laughingly meet the spectre of our own perceived inadequacy head-on, this season, and actually let some of it go?"

    I mailed some money (cash-- because I'm a big fat idiot) off in some cards (which I think the postal system has promptly lost)... that's basically all I've done christmas-wise so far... I'm not sure that answers your question, but that just shows how inadequate I am/feel on most fronts this season... so I guess what I'm saying is that I AM inadequate-- and have yet to "actually let some of it go."

  • You stated my feelings so eloquently.  This time of year gets to me.  Then you add kids and mom with the sickies and finals on top and look out.  I definately vote for fewer things and making them better quality.

  • It makes me feel better if I think everybody feels like as big of an idiot as I do, yeah.  I try to create lots of destractors to keep folks from looking at my "real" work--you know, spectacularly organized emails, notes, and things that you can do in PowerPoint or whatever.  Something that adds lots of flash and zing to detract from what I'm worried about.  The content.  I remind myself to stop being needy of approval by telling myself that the only time they really say anything is if there's anything wrong.  That way, when they do, I'll be sure to burst into tears and run to my desk, too. The really bad part is I never hear of men bursting into tears and running to their desks.  Dammit.  And I mean, it'd be ok if they did.  Imagine the way folks would handle them in the future....  Hm.  Maybe not, maybe they'd make fun and it'd be a joke and hey.  At least that'd be something to laugh about, wouldn't it?  hee.

  • It's so hard to do less and less, when the world is constantly begging us to do more and more.

  • I used to skip Christmas about once every other year.  Sadly, that's no longer feasible.  But ... the good news is that this is the first yule season where I've been able to keep my stress-ridden better half on an even keel.  Also, we're throwing away less money than usual because we are remodeling the house, and all our money (and then some) is going into that.  Blessings come from the strangest sources.

  • Yes - I know this feeling.  Yes - I'm willing to let a bit go.  Man, I'm already a little anxious about that ... LOL. 

  • Have you seen Christmas with the Cranks? It's about a couple that decide to do less, and go on a trip to Hawaii instead of doing so much at Christmas, and it ends up being more stressful.... So I don't know if that's the answer either...

  • dare we?
    and actually let some of it go!>>>> even better! =)
    I'm giggling inside at the mere idea....

    happy happy Merry Merry

  • Yes, that feeling of inadequacy, of waiting to be discovered, shoe to drop, hammer to fall is always present. A friend referred to this as the "awesome cloud". Sometimes strong enough to bring on desires to retreat; to seek less responsibility; to go hide in the corner. It's also amazing how small an event can help me snap back and dare to think that I can pull "it" off. I have to say that I can think of 3 or 4 people at work that probably never actually deal with this issue. Their biggest problem is how to keep making progress while surrounded by such mediocracy.

    On the concept of reducing the amount of items on our plate; I'm all for it. In many ways Wife and I have tried to accomplish this socially dangerous approach for the last 20-30 years. I have it easy in this regard because she is more inclined towards this approach to survival and common senseness than I. We would reach our limit and draw the line and damn the consequences. Sometimes we question whether this was always the best approach. Usually when it comes to thinking back on raising our children; should we have tried to involve them in more things, spent more time sitting on the sidelines or in the bleachers? We are very solid middle-of-the-roaders; not blatant enough to be awarded true counter-culture status and at the same time we will never receive honors from the local Rotary club. I'll stop taking up your blog space, but know that you have support from a fellow minimalist-wannabe. I just hope that I haven't overstated my ability to come through when the going gets tough.

  • just checkin in with ya........hope you're having fun & being safe

  • Hmmmm, now internally quivering in fear of finally being caught

  • Not only do we dare, we do.  Of course we still fear we will be found out to be inadequate.

    Blessings abound

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